Just the Bad & The Ugly

My mom and I went on a quick road trip several weekends ago, but it was a 3 hour car drive to our destination and we had some pretty intriguing conversations. My mom is 75 and this time together was well spent; as my mother ages, I really cherish these experiences when we can pick each other’s brains and accept and love each other for our differences. We had a lot of dialogue about many things that mothers/daughters talk about and then I posed this question to my mom, “Well what is it that I need to improve upon or that I am not good at?” I asked wanting to hear the hard stuff, that most likely would make me cringe and although what she said didn’t surprise me, it did make me reflect over the past couple of days.

In short, we decided these were things I am perceived as by others and likely some things that I need to clarify or improve upon in order to be greater understood and to help spread my message of passion about WOW to others.

1) Know-it-all

2) Not relatable

3) Too disciplined

My mom even went so far as to say that this very blog can come across like I have all the answers! Ha! Well that is not my intent in any of these posts and I certainly do not have all the answers to life. I shared with her that the reason I write this blog is to help others learn from my mistakes, my shortcomings, my journey and the views/thoughts that I have expressed are not to represent that I know everything, but that these things I have come to understand and apply and ultimately accept have made my life BETTER.

So in an attempt to not come off as a know-it-all or not-relatable, I think I should delve into these worthy items we both noted.

Know-it-All Jen

Gosh where do I even start. I think I would describe myself as knowledgeable and passionate about what I know, but very up front and honest about all of the things I know nothing about. Meaning, I can teach a person to clean and jerk, but I can’t tell you the first thing about life insurance. I also can talk at length about why I feel obesity is an epidemic among youth and specifically in Iowa, but I can’t even begin to wrap my head around the current political situation or even explain the differences between all of the candidates at this time. I guess it would be best to describe me as a confident, knowledgeable person in things that I am passionate and care about, but a life long learner and listener to what I know nothing about. Ask me about things outside of my realm and I will be the first to say, I have no idea about that topic. I often find myself saying, “You’ll have to ask your father,” when the boys are hammering me with questions! If I am a know-it-all, it is of the things that speak to my soul, not necessarily the things that speak to my brain. Not that I know everything and everything, but if I am passionate about a topic or thought, yes I can come across as very opinionated and overbearing at times. I am a passionate person and I know my passion for life can be too much for some. This has been brought to my attention many times. My passion can annoy people. I can be overwhelming, pushy and even adamant if my soul’s truth is what we are talking about. Therefore, in my attempt to bring women together who care about their wellness, I am going to do my damnedest to make them feel like I have some wisdom to share that has worked for me in my little world of trying to be the best Jen I can be. What worked for me may not work for you. But why wouldn’t I at least try to share some insight or give you some ideas to kick around, because if it clicks for one person…then it was worth sharing I hope? I don’t profess to know all the answers about how to achieve wellness in your life. I also have made many mistakes along the way and am not afraid to admit when I have screwed up. I don’t think there’s a scorecard though when it comes to wellness and so if just by sharing these tidbits and thoughts on this blog can perhaps make an improvement in someone’s life and their overall wellness and quality of life…I think that is a win. I share with the intent to just share, but by no means am I an expert at life.

>>>>>How do I improve in this area? One thing I will work on is in regards to this is improving being an active listener. I hope to not always have to chime in with an opinion or even a comment, but just to listen. This will take some diligence on my part as I’m not one to usually sit back and not offer advice, support, or suggestions. However, I think if I can commit to not offering anything but a listening ear, and only offering an opinion or an idea when asked, this will help me in growing in this area of my life. I also want to continue to be a life-long learner. I want to continue to broaden my horizons and not just focus on what I know, but try to learn more about the things I don’t know. And of course, continuing to openly admit when I know nothing…which is often. :)

Non-relatable Jen

In true social media fashion, I can also represent myself in a certain light. Even if I represent myself in what I feel is relatable to other women, I have no control over how they perceive me. If I post a picture of me looking like a wrinkled raisin, with eye make-up smeared all over my pimpled face in the early morning hours (which is how I wake up every day), this could be construed as “real” by some, but also perhaps that gosh “she’s so overly confident to post that” by others. It’s really a no-win situation for me to try to be anything but me. It would be a disservice both to myself and to my audience if I can’t be comfortable being who I am. I could tell you that while I’ve never struggled with obesity or being overweight, I have struggled with body image and been the recipient of “skinny” jokes my whole life. I have never aspired to be skinny and so to be referred to as “a board or a door,” as I was often referred to growing up, I believe this could be interpreted with perhaps the same familiar feelings as being made fun of because of a person’s size of their thighs or weight. To this day, I still have no chest (totally content with this), and barely have a butt (hence the door/board comparison). I have only recently graduated from only having a “thutt” (no difference between where the butt and thigh connect), to having the slight hint of a backside FINALLY!! Squats and lunges for over 7 years have started to pay off! I could also bore you with how I was called a boy for a majority of my school age years and still think of myself as more masculine and less feminine than others just because of what I grew up being told. I didn’t realize the ramifications of having short hair and being a jock would ultimately make everyone assume you were a dude or a lesbian. I could tell you I was a product of a messy divorce that left me scarred to this day. I could share that I was never the pretty friend and called homely, and also tried desperately to be liked by the majority, all the while allowing others to walk all over me just so I could feel part of the crowd. I could share my experiences about post-partum depression that made me question whether I was even supposed to be a mother. I could talk about how difficult it is to be a woman owning a gym, which is predominantly a male-dominated field. Does sharing this make me more relatable? Perhaps?

However, to me that’s all just “stuff.” I think everyone has stuff. It doesn’t define me and so I don’t spend a lot of time delving into those yucky parts of my life. My stuff isn’t worse than your stuff and I don’t think people should even compare each other’s stuff or hardships. I think what I just shared above probably may make it seem I am more relatable to you or others. However, how I handle my stuff is probably where the non-relatable term or label comes into play with me. It may come across that I don’t have struggles or insecurities or challenges. This couldn’t be further from the truth. I do. We all do. I just don’t want to spend time in my life revisiting or talking about the negative when I feel it is more productive to talk about what I can change, or act upon, or learn to improve in. This to me is more value-added time. I don’t want to “wallow in the mire” although I have been caught up in doing that in the past. When I threw a pity party, nothing changed. So, I changed my reaction to those hiccups. How I deal with my hardships and challenges is most likely what makes me seem non-relatable if I had to guess.

If my take and belief on dealing with “stuff” means I am non-relatable, I think I am comfortable in being that. I find myself loathing sympathy and so while I empathize with everyone going through ups and downs of life, I also know that WE all have ups and downs. Some people talk openly about them and some people just keep those things private and to themselves. There is no right or wrong way to process the challenges of life. But there is a commonality that WE ALL HAVE CHALLENGES. We all have “stuff.” If someone says they don’t, we all know that simply just isn’t true.

>>>>How do I improve in this area? For starters, I feel I made a baby step by sharing some of my challenges openly with those who read this blog. It shows some vulnerability and depth. I am putting some really specific triggers in my life out there for the world to read ( or the five of you who actually read this!) I am going to try to continue to be more relatable by openly sharing some of my challenges instead of the highlight reel. People want to feel that others have too experienced what they have. I hope in opening up on this blog, people will begin to feel more connected to me and that I am not Miss Perfect or always have my shit together.

Too-Disciplined Jen

I remember I had a specific goal last year to achieve in regards to my physique. You can judge that goal in itself or not, but I knew it was going to take some serious discipline on my part this time around. I think I underestimated how hard it would be, but I did make some changes and boy did they challenge my ability to stay disciplined. I had to be pretty open about this change and it was met with some really weird reactions. I decided to cut out junk food and alcohol for about year. (I also cut out coffee creamer, and other indulgences as a way to really eat clean.) Fun Jen always liked to have a couple of drinks amongst friends and family when socializing, but I always thought of myself as fun even without alcohol. I was not ready for the questions, comments, feedback from people just because I wasn’t going to partake at the time. It was eye-opening. I remember after trying to field questions, I asked my coach at the time why people were so turned off by me making this change? Why did it rub people wrong for me to make a change that was in alignment with my goals at the time. I would never have passed judgment on someone who wanted to exercise more, or do yoga daily, or eat more fruits and vegetables, or quit smoking, if that is what their goal was for overall wellness. In short he simply said, “You remind people with your discipline, how undisciplined they are.” Basically, I pissed people off and it annoyed them that I was able to stay disciplined when they struggled with discipline. This made me sad for about five minutes and then I tossed it in the *uck it bucket. I admire people who are disciplined! I look up to those who are passionate about their craft, their hobby, their career and I love to to be inspired by those who challenge themselves. I don’t find myself upset at them because they can do something perhaps I cannot, I sincerely want to learn from them and model their behaviors and hopefully apply some of what worked for them, to what would work for me.

So am I disciplined? Yes in some areas in my life. However, in some parts of my life, I have absolutely no discipline. My car is always dirty on the inside, and I have 10 coffee cups on the floor boards. I hate schedules and have a hard time committing to plans because I don’t like the feeling of “having to do something.” I am awful with spreadsheets and tracking expenses and I never pack for a trip more than 30 minutes in advance. Throw and go is packing for me! I don’t do well with making appointments for my kid’s dentist and physical exams and so my point is I am NOT disciplined in many aspects that MOST of you are disciplined in! I look up to those moms who have it all perfectly scheduled, who meal plan for their families, who never forget deadlines, sack lunches, early outs, and who always seem to be on top of everything. I’m not that person. I actually desire and crave non-structure in my life. But if I do make a choice to be disciplined in something, then yes, by golly, I’m all in. There’s no half-ass in me for anything I decide to be disciplined in.

>>>>>How am I going to improve in this area? Although I won’t stop being disciplined in those facets that speak to me, I have already started to be more gentle with myself and my shortcomings. I don’t beat myself up anymore when I don’t make it to the gym 6 days a week. I no longer measure who I am as a person, by how I perform as an athlete. That was something that really was hard to work on, as I felt that owning a gym and being a top athlete was super important. I’ve realized it’s not. I can still live a healthy and even more balanced life without feeling the burden of having to always be present at my business 24/7 and busting my ass in there day in and day out to try to prove something. I just don’t operate anymore in that manner. So I believe I am already making strides in this area!

While I didn’t want to write an entire blog post about myself, I hope this one proves I am human. I’m not just a keyboard warrior. I have triumphs and I also have challenges. Daily. I want to be relatable, but I can only be me. I don’t have the most likes on Instagram and have a hard time determining what it is people want to read about and know about. So as the first WOW Woman, know that I am like you. Not because we have the same views, thoughts, or even goals. Not because we have had the same hardships. We are alike because we are women going through this world just trying to be our best. We have hope that today will be better, and at times we grieve for things that have gone wrong. We keep putting our best foot forward and we want to believe that we can influence our lives instead of living by chance. We have good days and treacherous days and then some really amazing days! We eat chocolate cake, then eat the whole pan, then recommit to exercising more regularly because we feel guilt for what we put in our bodies. I am like you. You are like me. There is strength and community in knowing you are not alone. Yes I am Jen, the know-it-all, the non-relatable, the fanatically disciplined woman…who cares about empowering women. I am also in pursuit of changing who I am for the better as I believe we should never stop growing or evolving. I dream and believe maybe I can make a difference amongst us to help women feel they can own their choices and improve their wellness if they so choose to. It’s up to us and no one else. We can support each other on this journey or we can be ugly and jealous for those in their winning season. I want to lead by example, and hopefully this blog post is doing just that. Showing vulnerability, sharing some yuck to make me relatable and being myself, as only I can be. I always encourage other women to be themselves, because it is when we are true and whole and genuine that we are in our finest hour of representing God’s work. Just you being you. That’s it and that’s all. Which is always enough.

-Just Jen