Friendship: Seeking Shelter to Thrive

Fall in Iowa is upon us, and temperatures are beginning to dip into the freezing digits overnight creating a beautiful frost in those early morning hours. We even just received our first dusting of snow! I love the change of seasons; call me crazy, but fall and winter (snowfall in particular) are some of my favorite months of the year for making memories with those I love.

With the change in temperatures, I’m taking a cue from nature about a topic that I feel strongly about— Seeking shelter, refuge and warmth as a method of survival or better yet, thriving.

Last night, I rolled into the gym after the sun went down and it was a crisp 45 degrees outside. As I got our trusty floor cleaner out, I was drawn to something that was not dirt or dust, but clearly didn’t belong there, and was situated about 2 inches from our overhead door. If you’re not familiar with CrossFit style gyms, we usually pride ourselves on outdoor space and thus, our facility has two large overhead doors. While they are handy dandy in the warmer months, they are not the most air-tight/weather resistant features and thus, sometimes a crack occurs, where the elements can seep in a couple inches if the wind is blowing just right. But what I was spotting wasn’t rain, leaves, snow, or dust balls (yuck I know), but instead a brown and black fuzzy caterpillar. There he was, seeking shelter, refuge and warmth as a method of survival.

I picked him up and he instinctively curled into a ball and played dead; he never uncurled while I held him. I thought to myself, he’s going where he feels warmth. He wanted to find a place where he felt safe and could thrive. He crawled through a slim little crack to find an oasis free of the elements. Protected. Supported. Snug. Secure.

And then it hit me. I’m no different. You’re no different. We have basic human needs and desires similar to my friend “Harry the Caterpillar” and that was to find a place (setting) where we feel safe, secure, supported and warm. Imagine that, the comparison between us and this little guy, for seeking a state of utopia to thrive and be our best. Even if that is as silly as crawling into a metal building and finding your state of comfort on a rubber mat; this does parallel life for most of us.

Except what if our shelter is not really a structure, but people. We want to go where we feel we can be surrounded by love, support, non-judgment and the ideal conditions for being our best self. Yep, you guessed it. Finding your sanctuary of where you belong amongst your people. Your tribe, your squad, your crew, your peeps, or whatever you want to call them. Not a destination in the sense of shelter, but a circle of security.

For many of us who are married or in a relationship with a significant other, I hope your safe spot and shelter is found when you are with your person. When someone says their spouse “feels like home”, that is exactly what I’m talking about here. I’m not going to delve into the complications of relationships with significant others, but know that I am a huge proponent of finding your person. Instead what I want to have further dialogue about is your friendships and/or support system outside of your significant other.

I want to preface this by first stating, there are no rules to friendships. Friendships don’t come with instruction manuals, and therefore, you are under no obligation to maintain friendships because you have a history together, moments/experiences shared at one time, loyalty (to a fault), or any other reason. While this might seem harsh, know that I am not meaning to come off in this manner, but am stripping it down to the same survival minutia that is straightforward and at times life-saving, especially in the experience of “Harry the Caterpillar.” If your friendships or “circle of security” is not enhancing or adding to your life by creating warmth, support, encouragement and “shelter” in a world that so often is confusing and troubling—Make a change.

Hold up for a second. This doesn’t mean I don’t value loyalty, history, common values, and so forth with friendships as I absolutely do. However, I know that just as the weather changes and seasons come and go, sometimes you must seek the shelter of a good friend in new or different people, or reinvest in a previous friendship. Does this also mean you should just walk away from those who no longer serve you or your needs in a support system? Ahhhh, tricky question. Let’s get into the meat of this a little bit more.

Friendship and the desires you have from friendships are different for each one of us. No two friendships will ever be exactly the same, and therefore, usually we have a variety of friendships that help round out the equation of thriving. Some friendships may include those who share the same hobbies as you do, or those in which you grew up together next door, or those whom you were connected with through your children, and maybe even those you laugh hysterically with over videos of people falling on the ice (me, yes, terrible.) Whatever the bond is, everyone knows how blissful a great friend in your life can be.

I myself have experienced many different seasons of friendships with people. I continue to see my friendships change and evolve as I mature, and while I value and respect these relationships, I no longer force friendships or invest deeper into them, if the relationship does not seem to be providing warmth, support, encouragement, safety, non-judgment, comfort, and so forth. Does this mean I am unloyal? No. Unfortunately I am loyal to a fault at times, which has also created issues at times. It does mean however, that I am more aware of my time, the lack thereof of time, and I am considerably more choosy with who and where I will invest my energy in. Call it selfish, call it what you will, but I’m giving you permission to let go of people, relationships, and friendships that aren’t providing the environment that will help you shine brightly and cultivate the warmth you may need to feel a sense of belonging and community. Now with saying that very frame of thought….know that YOU may be “let go of”, dismissed or also feel no longer part of people’s lives because YOU may no longer be providing a fulfilling friendship to others as well. You need to come to terms with this and accept it. It’s bound to happen, and just as you accept you may change your friendships, know with certainty, others will change theirs with you as well. It happens and you can’t have it both ways.

I absolutely do not want to dismiss people’s feelings, their worthiness and/or value in saying the above. In fact, I feel it is better to honor and see things for what they are, instead of continuing down a path of a friendship that probably has been nursed along out of sympathy or a feeling of obligation. No one wants to feel they are kept around just because. That is the worst.

So where am I headed with this in regards to wellness? Take inventory. Your social environment is extremely influential on your mental and emotional well-being. Yes, take inventory with your friendships and support system. They have a PROFOUND impact on your wellness. This may include family as well. Hard to do but necessary at times. How do I take inventory on relationships? Seems shallow to place a value on what people bring to the table, or life. But, any astute investor or business person will look at the ROI on their investment/time (return on investment). So in regards to our personal relationships, it’s important to take a look at the ROI and see were everything lands. I’ve been asking myself this set of questions in navigating friendships and support systems for some time now. I find these questions helpful and hope you will to:

1) Do we share common values- not perspectives, but common values as humans? Some of my greatest friendships had differing views on politics and religion, but we shared the same values in regards to decency, humility, and so forth.

2) Do we support each other and our goals/dreams even if they differ from one another? We don’t have to be headed in the same direction, but is there a genuine support for my well-being and my goals pertaining to being my best self?

3) Do I feel good when I am around this person? Do they provide an experience that makes me feel “at home” when we are together? Or do I leave feeling less than, judged, unsure or second guessing the experiences together?

4) Does the friendship seem mutually beneficial? This doesn’t mean keeping track, but do we both feel a sense of support and are we both contributing and caring?

5) Can I be myself in the presence of this person without fear of judgment or scrutiny?

6) Do I look forward to spending time with these people or do I feel a duty or obligation instead to spend time together? Do I find myself dreading activities with them, or doing it out of nobility instead of want?

7) Is the group/friendship getting something from you, other than just your company? Meaning are there tangible perks of the friendship that if those went away, would the friendship remain?

These are hard questions to digest for anyone. Sometimes in the discovery process of asking these questions, we realize that WE are the issue and not being the best friend to others as well. I have found when this has occurred, if you did value the person and respect the friendship, it is best to say you are sorry, apologize, ask for forgiveness, and then move on. If the friendship is meant to be, it can be resolved and perhaps a deeper friendship can take its place! If a friendship does however end, whether that be on your end or theirs, know that this is a changing season in your life, and be grateful for the time and events and experiences you had while you were friends. Yes, gratitude for the friendship that once was there is a huge piece in navigating and finding resolve when things don’t pan out as we wish that they did.

I realize this subject is controversial. I don’t have all the answers to how we find our tribe, our people, as this is evolving and changing for me as well. When it all shakes out, you may be left with no one after asking yourself these questions. Or maybe even just one friend. This is a place to start, and may help you determine how to build a friendship or create a deeper one. Better to have one meaningful, soul-filled mutual friendship, than a surface circus of people popping in and out with no rhyme or reason.

Here’s my summary of why you must take inventory and develop the circle of security in your life. I am limited with my time here on earth (which we all are, as we do not know when our day will be our last); I’m going to continue to seek shelter where I thrive. I am not going to hang out under a broken umbrella just because that’s what I should be doing or who I’ve always turned to or stood beside. Instead if we can’t fix the umbrella together, then I am either going to find a friend to dance in the rain together, or find a friend to build a fire with. I’m giving myself permission (and you should to), to let go of relationships that aren’t in alignment with what I (you) need to thrive. You do not owe anyone an explanation for your choices. If you feel the need to explain why you may be making changes to your support system, try to do so with statements about yourself, and why YOU are making changes. It is of no one else’s responsibility to make us feel whole, or complete. That is not a burden you should place on anyone. Therefore, owning your direction in life and who you choose to spend time with is on each of us individually. We choose where we go for shelter and support, and we need to be accountable for our choices, including who we associate with, dream with, support and spend time with.

Outside of your family, you get to choose your people. Choose wisely. Choose with discretion. Understand that friendships change and sometimes no one is to blame. The elements could have just been too blustery, for too long, and the shelter broke. Gather your supplies, and build a new structure by your design (aka support system). All hope is never lost and through the trials and tribulations, you did learn something even when friendships change, evolve or conclude. Perhaps you learned new boundaries, or a new perspective, or even learned how to be a better friend! I have found that when we ask ourselves, “what can I learn from this?”, instead of “why is this happening to me?”, we are growing as a person.

As a child, my mother told me I would go up to anyone on the playground, at the swimming pool, or in the park and introduce myself and ask if they wanted to play. “Hi, I’m Jenny, do you want to be my friend?” Sometimes we need that childlike fearlessness to help us create the best environment for us. Try and try again. Keep creating, keep evolving and keep making new friends or strengthening those friendships that envelop that “at home” feeling no matter the season or the weather, so that you can thrive…instead of just survive. Life. That. Is.