The New You: Purposeful Change

I will be the first to admit, I am one who indulges in reading quotes or inspirational posts. I can’t get enough of them! Sometimes I truly believe they pop up because God and The Universe is trying to speak to me. Of course, I cannot give credit to the Instagram algorithm for that, but I do believe sometimes the stars align and you read something that you NEEDED to read it at that moment.

So in doing a bit of mindless IG surfing today, I came upon a few things that resonated with me.

1) People change and can change at any moment, minute, day, or in any experience if they choose to or even if they don’t choose to (or sometimes even if they don’t choose to).

2) When we accept others where they are at, and appreciate them (or ourselves) at any given interaction with them, it stops the comparison factor of who they were in the past.

3) If we allow others to dictate or influence whether WE like where we are at in our lives, we won’t be living our own designed life, but continuing to please others.

I’m going to get right to it and say that I am not the person I was 10 years ago. Does this mean I am better now? Well, I certainly hope so. Better is a very vague term, but if I looked at these factors, which are included in all aspects of wellness, then the answer would be yes; physical, emotional, occupational, social, environment, and spiritual.

I could list out all of the reasons why I feel this way, but that may bore you. Plus, I am the only one that can determine whether my overall wellness has improved or not over the course of 10 years. I hold that measuring stick. However, in short, I feel I have made some significant improvements over the past 10 years in each of these wellness domains. The very purpose of evolution and growing as a person in our wellness takes time, and if you play the long game, which I encourage you to do, changes in your life in these domains may take longer than you like. That’s okay.

So I answered that question. Yes, I feel I am better at 41 than at 31.

However, there are people in my life who may disagree. Their perception of the changes in my life, or changes to who I am a person—whether friend, mother, wife, daughter, sister, coach, community member, or volunteer MAY NOT be pleasing to them any longer. They may feel I have regressed or am doing things worse than I ever did before.

Well, here are my thoughts on this, because you too may have gone through changes or are currently trying to initiate and embrace change in your quest for owning your wellness. Perhaps you are making changes in your personality/values/truth, in your career, your home life, or even in a nutritional or exercise regimen. In finding your NEW YOU, you must graciously let go of the old you. Don’t be too hard on yourself as you recreate your thoughts, your habits, your patterns, your friendships, and/or your reactions to events because without change, we cannot become “better.” We also absolutely cannot change what occurred yesterday or 30 minutes ago. Therefore, do not strive to return to an old version of yourself; even in doing so, there is no way to return to that specific point in time and replicate all of the variables.

For example, I cannot hold my 12 year old son to the same standard or expectations I had of him when he was nine. That would be very unfair to both him and myself. He is not the little boy any longer who wants to snuggle and sit on my lap and say our goodnight musings. Although I deeply miss those interactions, I am LOVING him where he is right now in his life. I am meeting him exactly where he is, and that is helpful for both of us. If I continued to expect him to be and do the same things he did at nine and then judged him for not being that way, I cannot imagine the conflicts we would have or the disagreements that would ensue daily. He is CHANGING.

So why are we so hard on ourselves and/or others when they want to change as adults? Why can’t we meet them right where they are at, embrace their changes, and stop comparing their NEW self to their old self? Well, because it’s hard. It really is. And secondly, why can’t we LOVE ourselves where we are at right at this moment? We have to at least try.

Life changes us. We all go through stuff. Different experiences and interactions shape us and we can’t expect ourselves or others to STAY EXACTLY THE SAME. This is a disservice to our potential for growth and change as a person, and a disservice to those around us.

I had to tell someone recently, as I looked them in the eyes, this is who I am now. (They were missing some pieces about me that they associated with the ‘Old Jen.") Well, rightfully so. I heard what they were saying, understood with some active listening, but at the end of the day, I personally didn’t like some of those things they were missing in me. Instead of focusing on who I was or what I used to be, I asked for the person, whom I care deeply about, to accept and love me for who I am at this point in time. Thankfully, they agreed to do so and I am so grateful for my small, but very supportive circle.

After this conversation, I then had to reflect and ask myself if I compare those around me to their old selves…and if that comparison is causing conflict at times. Yes, and yes.

We are all guilty of this, because in life, we associate consistency, routine, habits, structure, and continuity, with security. In our minds we are secure and life is secure and nothing bad can happen if things just stay EXACTLY THE SAME. We have to unravel this type of thinking. It’s dangerous to dislike change, bristle to it, and then have expectations that we want everything and everybody to remain unchanged.

Security is, instead, the act of evolving and being able to change, adapt, and progress so that we can survive and thrive, not just take up space.

Have you ever been to a social function, perhaps a class reunion and someone wants to remember you exactly how you were when you were 16? Wow, how frivolous and silly. We absolutely cannot be the same person we were at the age of 16. Our brains weren’t even developed fully yet as teenagers. Therefore, please give yourself permission to not be the same exact person you were a week ago, 5 years ago, and also extend this grace to those around you!

The NEW YOU may put people off or have them missing the old you. You can even miss some of those parts of who you were at a certain time in your life. But please don’t let the comparisons stunt your growth as an individual pursuing where you are headed NOW. Looking backwards won’t yield the results you desire. The here and now is what we can impact in all aspects of our wellness. In addition, remember to stop comparing those around you to how they used to be as well. We need to get in the practice of loving/liking/enjoying others at face value and in present time as they change and evolve too. This is something I am determined to work on in my own life!

We often refer to people as rocks when they seem to stand the test of time, and remain unchanged. Rocks are fascinating in general (both people and the elemental form). My boys love to collect rocks and we even (possibly illegally) have gathered rocks from the places we visit on vacations and marvel at all of the different types of rocks there are in the world. We think about rocks in nature as strong, solid, sturdy, hard, unscathed and so forth. We liken that same description to the rocks in our lives: people. For me, that is my husband. However, even rocks change over time. Just by being a rock (funny to say) and sitting and taking a beating from the elements, the weather, and the conditions, or boys banging them on other things, eventually they even show signs of change. This change can even be indicative of a polishing that now has resulted in sparkle, luster and shine! Therefore, even by claiming their turf and standing firm living the rock life, they change.

Where am I headed with this? Everything changes. Everything and everyone, whether they are purposeful in their changes or not. Therefore, give yourself some leeway and patience as you continue along your wellness journey and are changing. In addition, afford others around you this same courtesy as they are changing just as the rock does, without even possibly knowing that they are.

If you start to feel alone in your journey, or misunderstood, or even pressured to go a different direction or stop altogether because people liked the “old you” better, revert back to these questions for reassurance.

1) Do I like the goals I have set for my self, or my self- improvement plan to get where I want to be? Hopefully yes, but if not, what do I need to change or amend to be pleased with the outcomes?

2) Are these goals I have set forth going to help me grow as an individual and are they in line with my truth and my “flames?”

3) Are these goals harming anyone else? If not, please keep pursuing because they are important to YOU. If other people are uncomfortable because of your goals, that’s their issue, not yours.

4) Am I seeing improvement in my daily life with my self-esteem, confidence and in other aspects of the wellness modalities? (Physical, emotional, occupational, social, environment, spiritual)

Hopefully when you re-visit these, you will feel connected again to whatever course you are on. If there are some discrepancies, then do a bit more homework and amend the plan again.

Side note: I’ve had some significant changes over the course of the last 10 years in my business, my friendships, my physical/mental health, and my spiritual re-awakening. While I love aspects of the ‘Old Jen’, I am enjoying (and working through the difficulties) of my perpetual quest to be the best person I can be.

In all honesty, discovering, exploring and working on the New You may feel really discouraging, lonely, heartbreaking and maybe even sad at times. I write this only to prepare you that the search for becoming your best, isn’t always success after success after success. This doesn’t mean you should stop fighting for yourself. Being uncomfortable, I believe, is part of the process of developing really great character qualities. Hard times develop a strong will and give us opportunities to choose how we react to those challenges. During the time of redefining WHO you want to be, know there will be some setbacks, some victories, some losses, some triumphs but the entire process will be teaching and polishing you along the way, even when it feels icky at times. You CAN stay the course and meet your goals and accomplish what you set out to do, because the New You will be worth it. The Old You was important and valuable to shaping this new person, but don’t let it define where you are headed now.

So what are some takeaways?

• Please stop comparing yourself to the Old You.

• Please also stop comparing others to their old selves, because they too may be on a journey to change. If we want to believe in ourselves and that we can change, we also must believe in the possibility that others can change too!

• And lastly, you may have to tell someone to really accept, respect and value where you are at right now in this very point in your life. Hopefully they do that with loving and open arms. If not, be prepared to wrap your arms around yourself and limit your time with them. Know that I am here rooting for you, and there are other WOW Women wanting you to become your best self.

In closing, today I’ve been thinking about when we found a hidden black sand beach in Hawaii last year. The larger volcanic rocks would slice and maim your feet and cut you terribly if you were not purposeful with each and every step. Shoes with a sturdy stole were an absolute requirement to navigating the walk to this beach. The closer I got to the shoreline, the infinite number of small volcanic rocks had been beaten down to the most beautiful sand I had ever seen. It sparkled and glistened unlike any other beach I had visited. The sand dripped with the touch of both satin and grit, as I over and over sifted it through my finger tips. How had I just walked across jagged boulders that were of the same material as this luxurious black beach? Point being, everything changes whether it is purposeful or not. The lava rocks didn’t want to change, but yet they did anyways.

Change is inevitable. I’m hoping you can create some purposeful changes that will reflect a life well-lived, rather than just growing older and letting time change you. You will change over time whether you are trying to or not. What we don’t have promised is the amount of time and the guaranteed countless waves and thousands of years it took for those lava rocks to be shaped and molded into that oasis of ebony, gleaming sand. What we can do instead, is change with purpose and have a plan to becoming our new best self. The other alternative is to wait and hope that times changes us for the better, as it did for the lava rocks.

I myself, want to choose my path to wellness when I can, for as long as I can, until it is decided for me by God that my plan must change. I don’t want to wait for the perfect time, or opportunity or conditions to create my new best self. Instead, I am going to act, design, create, shape, influence and own my wellness now. The possibilities are endless for your New You. The time is now. What is holding you back? Because at this very moment in reading this, you are actually changing, and whether you want a say in the changes and the direction you are headed or not, is absolutely up to you and each one of us.

Purposefully changing,

Jen